A Note About Grades and Pressure

I have been to dozens of graduation ceremonies, but this one was particularly memorable. There was a bone-chilling north wind, far too nasty to be outside, but it was May and this was the day the University had on its calendar for months in advance. There was a massive three post open-sided white tent on the south lawn that would seat about 1000 people comfortably under it, but trust me, no one wanted to be there. I remember people literally huddled together inside the tent to keep warm. Some under blankets, some with thick mittens, and stocking caps all with red and purple-tipped noses.

The other thing I remember that day was the valedictorian speech. Well, not the whole speech but one particular statement she made. She said, “After all the books we have read, papers we have written, late night study sessions, amazing relationships and fun times we had over the four years, I really think the reason we were here was simply to learn how to learn”.  

As we process the grades our students have earned for the first quarter, that perspective may help. Hopefully we are all asking “Is my student learning how to learn”?  

Grades can loom large in our minds and dramatically affect how we feel about ourselves. Put in perspective, grades are one tool for assessing how a student is progressing in a subject.  Grades are not meant to be the only measure of intelligence or understanding, or our worth as people. As a parent it is often our first inclination to want to give consequences for less than adequate grades.  Many of us were raised that way.  However, a sharp decline in grades may be an indicator of something else that is going awry in our child’s health or emotional health.  If you haven’t done it lately, it might be a great time to do an open ended check in with your student such as, “How are things going with you?”  And then to patiently wait for an answer with some depth, before communicating about the grades specifically. 

After thirteen years of spending time listening to Rice students, I can attest that typically, they are significantly harder on themselves than anyone else is. If your student received a subpar grade, they probably already feel awful about it. At the high school stage it is sometimes difficult for us parents to remember that we are mostly consultants for our teenagers. They are the ones attending school, they are the ones receiving these grades, and we can best help them by guiding them as they figure it out rather than doing it for them.  Parents, we need to remember that our student’s grades are not a reflection of our success or failure as a parent.

Finally, our children crave our approval.  Find something to celebrate about your child and their progress, no matter how many things didn’t go their way this quarter.  For students who seemingly always shine at report card time, they long to be seen and noticed as well.  The word or small action of appreciation you share with your students may be a building block to greater success and a healthier, more open and trusting relationship in the future.